How I Made Change Stick (And You Can Too).

Changing didn’t necessarily feel like an active choice I remember making, but instead it was sort of like a Hail Mary. An act of desperation. An I’m-so-f*cking-unhappy-this-can’t-be-all-there-is-to-life sort of thing.

It wasn’t just a one and done event, either.

These changes (see also: breakdowns, rebirths, dark nights of the soul, transitions, etc). happen multiple times to varying degrees over the course of our lifetimes. They are marked by different periods of growth & transformation, often accompanied by self-reflection and contemplation, then confrontation with our shadow. Usually this involves loss, pain, regret, sorrow, shame, anger.

Maybe a combination of all of them if you’re particularly lucky, like I was.

Sometimes, you can feel it coming.

Certain vices don’t feel as good as they used to, you can’t connect with others in the same ways as before, and you start feeling a pull for something more. Change comes when you can no longer withstand the discomfort of the life you’re currently living.

Basically, you’re miserable enough to catalyze a shift and although change is not easy and often comes with pain, I promise you with will one-hundo-P be worth it.

So here’s how to make the shift.

I. Identify the area of your life you want to change.

For most (if not all) of my “spiritual growth-spurts,” I basically addressed immediate hemorrhaging. To be honest, I was such a mess I had no idea how to choose which areas of my life were highest priority.

But during this particular growth spurt, I was living in Utah at a job I initially loved in a beautiful place, and you would think I was living the dream.

IInstead, I was anxious and depleted, using food to feel grounded in what became an emotionally taxing job. On my off-shifts, exhausted and burned-out, I would turn down camping and climbing trips, making excuses to stay in bed, disassociating through social media and binge-eating.

This wasn’t necessarily uncommon for me, it was a coping strategy that had been getting the job done for most of my adult life, but at this particular point, I was f*cking miserable. I was crying for no reason and I was angry all the time. My relationship with food had been unhealthy and punitive for years.

One night in my kitchen, standing in front of an open pantry, it dawned on me how brutal I was to myself and how unkindly I’d been treating myself; not just then, but for most of my life. Overwhelmed by shame and sadness, I considered everything I’d be doing to fill emptiness and soothe anxiety, while beating the sh*t out of myself for not having more self-discipline or losing the weight I’d gained.

I set restrictions and limitations around food, only to break them and repeat the cycle. I was continually making and breaking commitments to myself, but when you feel that low, keeping promises to yourself doesn’t matter.

They were horribly painful realizations. I clearly had work to do and it became clear my body image and relationship to food were the obvious places start. Identifying and admitting to myself there was an issue was my jumping off point.

How to identify your SOS area:

• Take an inventory of your life. Reflect on each area (if you don’t know where to start, you can choose one of the following: mental health, relationships, career, spirituality, community, creativity, hobbies, physical health) decide which one feels most neglected or challenging.

• Consider how this area affects your life. How often do you think about it? How much control does it have over your thoughts, behaviors, choices, or life?

• Have you ever wanted something different in this area? If so, why has change historically felt challenging? External factors (resources, job market, dating pool) or internal factors (self-worth, anxiety, belief in your abilities)

II. Define your desired outcome.

I’m a firm believer that most things we do are in an effort to feel good…or at least to feel better. Even if they’re sh*tty, or selfish, or maladaptive, I truly think it’s because those are probably things we learned that work.

So, when you’re figuring out what you want out of the change, it’s good to get clear and specific, although you may just start with a pretty basic and sort of vague, “I just want to feel better.”

That’s okay too.

As my own process unfolded and I kept more commitments to myself, the answer became more clear. I wanted to feel comfortable in and grateful for my body. I wanted to have more energy, clearer skin, and get better sleep. I wanted to fit into my favorite, most comfortable jeans again and feel sexy in them. I wanted to forgive myself for not being what I thought I should be or believed would make me more lovable or desirable and instead feel worthy regardless of how I look.

Here are some questions to kick off your brainstorm:

If no one would be hurt, disappointed, let down and nothing bad would happen, what kinds of changes would you make? How would it feel?

What would your life look like if you made this change? How would it feel? What would be different?

What would you have more of? (time, money, peace, energy, fulfillment, joy, connection)

What would you have to say “no’s” to in order to say more “yes” to the things you want?

When was a time you committed to something in your life? What did that feel like? How did it go? Was there something you could’ve done differently?

III. Choose changes that you’ll actually make (& possibly even enjoy).

When I decided it was time to make moves, I started with what I knew, which was any time I worked out and cut out junk and alcohol, I felt better. I knew morning workout’s pumped me up and even though I literally hated running, it ALWAYS put me in a good mood. I felt accomplished after a day of eating healthy and a hard workout.

It was something I felt good about trying, that I’d seen results from in the past when I was an athlete, and that I actually wanted to do. It was an approach that aligned with my desire and didn’t feel like it was going to completely suck to the point of making me want to quit every day.

If you don’t know what works for you, this is a perfect opportunity to explore what motivates you and makes you feel good. You can research different approaches that others making a similar change have used. Anytime I want to create new change, I look for books, podcasts, YouTube videos, or courses that detail what worked for other people and make it my own. You can join a challenge or a community of other people working towards the same goal to create accountability and support. Personalize it. What works for you works, let go of the rest.

*Side note* If you choose to change something because it’s what you think you should do, or what you think someone else wants you to do, it’s likely you aren’t going to stick to it. It’s difficult to commit to and stay motivated for things we don’t really give a sh*t about.

Usually, we have to feel personally invested in order to build the discipline needed to continue and persevere over time, so figure out your “whys” (the motivating factors behind your change) and remind yourself of them often.

IV. Start small

Trying to tackle a massive life change overnight is extremely difficult, and dare I say it? Almost impossible.

I am a firm believer that true transformation comes from a series of small changes over time.

During my off-shifts, I’d go to this tiny local gym a few times a week, then eventually most days. I slowly started bringing healthier foods to work and phased out sugar. I researched healthy meals that would actually taste good and starting teaching myself how to cook (admittedly, with the help of Buzzfeed’s Tasty Series).

I also tried different things that never really stuck in the process, but that wasn’t the point. I tried going vegan, which sucked ass but I did make a bomb-ass chocolate cake. I signed up for a NASM certification because I was clearly meant to be a personal trainer, but instead learned some info about muscle recovery and remembered I was trash at science. The point is, they were part of the trial and error that comes with finding a path that works for you.

Change is rarely a straight line.

Exploring healthy living was a way to confront the neurotic, self-defeating, and honestly, abusive self-talk I’d been grappling with most of my adult life and it happened incrementally with small, daily decisions to be kinder to myself.

V. Follow-Through

This is the most important yet arguably sh*tty part.

It’s also super rewarding.

Keeping promises to ourselves is one of the most effective ways to build internal boundaries and increase self-worth. Follow-through means identifying what makes you feel good and intentionally carving out time for those things regularly.

Keeping promises to myself was what gradually built greater self-esteem, momentum, and confidence.

Each time I followed through with something I wanted, I felt powerful, making commitment easier. It opened my eyes to the endless possibilities of what my life could be like.

Change sometimes feels easy in the beginning until we hit road blocks. Sometimes, we come up against edges. We come face to face with the things we think make us imperfect, unlovable, and unworthy and have to see ourselves through loving eyes, forgiving distorted views of our not-enough-ness.

Keeping promises to ourselves means showing up even when it's hard, especially, when it's hard, and we're tired, and we're raw, and we don't want to. By doing so we build resilience and stretch to new energetic set points, helping you create the life you want.

You’ve got this!

Keep going.

I love you.