Having Needs Doesn’t Make You Needy. Here’s the Difference.
Few things terrify us more than being labeled “needy” in a relationship.
A proverbial scarlet letter loaded with negative connotations and shame, to be needy is to be annoying, dependent, clingy, and ultimately unattractive.
And yet.
We all have needs, even those of us who choose to deny them or suppress them, not wanting to seem weak resulting from trauma, gender expectations, or cultural norms.
To be in relationship with another means becoming acquainted with needs, theirs and your own, and deciding whether both of you can meet those or not.
I remember the last time I felt truly needy.
It was the final time I repeated my pattern of choosing unavailable men in a short-lived “situationship” with someone who could never have met my needs.
The dynamic was (shockingly) dysfunctional, riddled with his inconsistent and dismissive behaviors and my lack of firm boundaries. As exciting and unpredictable as it was, it was equally unreliable and increasingly unpleasant because it created a familiar weight of uncertainty I got from avoidant people.
When I did share or hold him accountable, he would deflect or shut down. I didn’t trust him and was tired of dating men who didn’t show up for me. During one of our last conversations, he shared that he found my desire for emotional connection exhausting.
Now, it’s not lost on me how much of a person I am. I am loud, expressive, stubborn, and feel deeply. I do not live life on the surface or avoid difficult conversations or emotions, and I challenge the people around me to do the same.
I have big dreams and am passionate and unapologetic about causes I care about. I recognize that can be a lot for people, and I’m okay with that.
What I wasn’t okay with was being told I was “too much” for expecting respect, transparency, and consistency from someone who wanted access to me.
Someone else’s inability to handle complex emotions or communicate with maturity is not a sign of neediness, especially if you are doing the work to manage your insecurities, but instead a reflection of their emotional limitations and capacity.
The big difference between neediness and having needs
Being needy:
Being needy means there is no emotional ownership from one or both partners. It means we aren’t independently regulating our emotions; instead, projecting insecurities or self-doubt onto someone else and asking them to manage those feelings for us.
When we do this, we absolve ourselves from the personal responsibility of examining the triggers that cause us to seek constant validation or pick pointless fights.
Neediness often stems from anxiety, fear of abandonment, and a desire to be loved and reassured. It can manifest as smothering, controlling, or jealous behaviors that push people away rather than support the connection someone is usually trying to create.
It’s often paired with a lack of self-worth and emptiness we’re trying to fill, along with an inability to build relationships, interests, or goals outside the relationship that would fulfill the needs our partner can’t, taking pressure off of the relationship.
The challenge is not to suppress our needs but to determine which ones are our responsibility to manage independently and which ones are reasonable to ask from a partner.
This will largely depend on the relationship and everyone’s level of comfort, but generally, you want to choose a relationship in which:
You can trust and respect each other.
You can discuss concerns openly and ask for reassurance maturely so no one’s insecurities threaten the relationship’s health.
Being true to yourself is valued and important.
Each of you encourages the other to pursue hobbies and activities that bring both people joy
Supporting each other’s independence and growth is a priority
Having needs:
I’ll repeat this.
Despite what society may tell us, we all have needs, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Having needs means we’ve gotten to know ourselves well enough to:
A. Accept the vulnerability of our humanness
B. Identify what we need out of a relationship to make us feel safe and comfortable.
Awareness of our needs in relationships helps us find people who are more compatible and aligned with what we’re looking for and weed out those who aren’t. We save ourselves a lot of heartbreak just by being able to own our needs.
How we overcorrect:
Many of us tend to stuff or neglect our needs because that’s what society, familial relationships, culture, or gender roles have told us we should do.
As a result, we may believe it’s unsafe or unattractive to have needs, that we are unworthy of standards, or that we will end up alone or worse if we exercise boundaries. It may have also been a coping strategy or a means of receiving validation or praise for being so “low-maintenance” in a family that was chaotic or abusive.
So we overcorrect.
We betray ourselves and what we need most to preserve a relationship or avoid conflict, then take it further by normalizing it. We get used to putting others before us and accepting breadcrumbs, afraid that we’ll be shamed and labeled “too much” for expecting basic respect and reciprocity in relationships.
Many people stay in relationships where they’ve never had difficult conversations or want to rock the boat, so they go through the motions of taking “the next big step” without understanding the gravity of those decisions.
Your responsibility in a relationship
I am not saying that a relationship with someone who can meet your needs will be perfect or that it won’t be demanding or challenging.
Your partner will still trigger your wounds, hurt your feelings, and require honest communication. The secret is finding someone who makes you feel safe enough to work through those things together.
This is also not to say that once you can find someone who meets your romantic needs, you can fulfill your needs in all areas of your life. Once again, you are still responsible for filling your buckets outside of the relationship to enrich it.
When we state our needs, we are not asking someone to change.
We are asking someone if they can meet us where we are.
If they are willing and able to support us in the ways we need to build true intimacy and open to the experience of love.
How to get your needs met
There is no point in being in a relationship where you can’t be honest and open about what you need.
Develop a fulfilling life — it does not matter how hard you try; if you do not have a life that fills you outside of a relationship, the relationship will be doomed.
Figure out what brings you joy outside of relationships to narrow down the list of what’s truly important to you in one and prioritize those when choosing a partner. There is no way one person can meet all of your needs and to put that kind of pressure on them is unfair.
Identify your needs- for example, how do you like to give and receive or show love? What makes you feel safe and comfortable? What are your non-negotiables and deal breakers? What are your top three things you can’t live without in a relationship?
Practice owning your needs unapologetically and communicating them directly — can you tell this person outright what’s up? If not, can you let them know you’re sorting through it or don’t know at that moment but are committed to communicating when you do?
Choose a partner who can meet your needs. Choose someone whose actions match their words and demonstrate consistency and commitment. Trust them when someone shows you they are low-effort, emotionally unavailable, or inconsistent.
Walk away if someone shows you they can’t — or won’t meet you. Do not stay and waste time hoping someone will eventually change. Take them at face value and know your worth.
Although it has been normalized in many relationships not to “make it awkward” by expressing needs or discussing complex topics, that is not normal.
It’s not “normal” to feel like you can’t be yourself around someone and then call it an authentic relationship. If you have to suppress your needs or change who you are to make a relationship work, that is not the relationship for you.
Any situation where we have to shrink to sustain it is not a situation worth staying in.
