Yes, Intentional Dating is a Thing. Here’s How to Do it.
Dating is hard these days.
After a decade-long wade in the dating pool, floating between relationships that maxed out after two years, I realized things weren’t working.
It wasn’t until recently, when I decided to start dating with intention, that I found what I wanted. It took a lot of self-reflection and some brutal honesty, but it turns out, not only was it possible, it was worth it.
What is Intentional Dating?
Before I wrote this article, I just assumed intentional dating was getting clear in my mind about what I wanted, taking my time and using a lot of discretion, and not settling until I found it.
After further research, I found that intentional dating, also known as slow dating, was a term coined by the French dating app, Once, and it’s exactly what it sounds like. The app limits users to one match per day to encourage mindfulness when swiping.
It’s a way to temper the pace of dating and encourage users to get to know someone and explore the connection or determine if there’s any connection at all.
Essentially, it’s dating two-point-oh rebranded through the lens of twenty twenty two’s dating apps.
This reemergence of slow dating is probably due to the disillusionment, disconnection, and disappointment many people feel with hookup culture. The pandemic likely exacerbated this shift, which forced many to reevaluate how we spend our time and who we spend it with.
It doesn’t sound all that revolutionary; in fact — it sounds a whole lot like what dating and courtship used to be like before the ocean of endless options generated by smartphones and apps.
In an interview with Men’s Health, psychologist Dr. Kate Balestrieri explained:
At its core is a focus on getting to know fewer people at the same time, so you can stay present with them — and more importantly, yourself — and thoroughly evaluate the quality of the connection.
It’s a way to use discretion without rushing or falling into something haphazardly and not seeing someone for who they are. It encourages people to take their time building intimacy and allows us to be aware of red flags, since chemistry often does not equal compatibility.
If you’re looking for something with more depth, connection, and long-term possibility, intentional dating is probably for you.
So how do we do it?
Get Clear About What You Want
One of the essential components to any sustainable change is getting clear about what your goals are.
Take time to inventory what you hope to attract and pinpoint your wants and needs in dating.
Identify non-negotiables, preferences, and desires.
Psychotherapist Terri Cole has an entire chapter dedicated to making this list in her book Boundary Boss.
When I was ready to date more intentionally, I was very clear and specific about what I wanted. My list was split into “Top Fives” of wants, needs, will not live with, and cannot live without. This made it easier for me to walk away from the rip if certain things didn’t align with what I needed from a potential partner.
Get clear about why you’re in the dating pool.
Be honest about why you’re dating. Do you want a long-term partnership or eventual commitment? Are you just looking for some fun? Regardless of your reasoning, clarity around what you want will help you quickly spot it when it comes along. It empowers you to go from a place of confidence rather than passively falling into something unfulfilling.
Be Authentic
There is no point in hiding who we are. It’s not sustainable, and it always comes out in the wash anyway.
If you’ve ever dated someone who shows up one way then slowly shows you something entirely different, you know firsthand how difficult it is for someone to keep a vibe that’s not theirs.
Let someone see you, every single messy, imperfect part of you. There’s only one version of you, and unapologetically owning who you are is quite possibly the sexiest trait out there.
Not only that, but when we’re genuinely ourselves, we do two things:
We avoid self-abandoning and show up for ourselves fully
Often to be chosen, we might value the other person’s opinion of us over our own. We may accept scraps and compromise what we want for approval and validation at the expense of our integrity and self-love. If we’re authentic, we are less willing to accept things that don’t align with our values and let them fall away naturally.
We rob the other person of the opportunity to know the real us and rob ourselves of a chance for true intimacy.
When we aren’t being honest about who we are, we block intimacy because we aren’t giving someone the chance to see us and love us for all that we are. To develop intimacy, we have to let another person know us fully, and we have to be vulnerable enough to let them in.
Be Willing to Get Uncomfortable
Dating intentionally means showing up in a way that has a purpose and is considerate and thoughtful. To do this, we have to do practice several things.
Be vulnerable and directly communicate what you want.
You’re going to have to state what you’re looking for very early on. If you want to vet properly and save yourself a lot of time and heartbreak, be honest and direct about where you’re at and what you want from the onset.
When I started seeing my current partner, I made it very clear from the beginning that I wasn’t interested in casual hookups and wanted someone emotionally available, as I was.
I’d be lying to you if I said I wasn’t white-knuckling my way through that conversation, but I knew it would make it very easy for me to decide if we were on the same page or if I would want to see him again.
This is where we often shoot ourselves in the foot. Don’t settle for someone who’s not looking for anything serious if you want a partnership. Don’t lie to yourself about who someone is or try to force them into your narrative or fantasy.
Take the exchange for what it was, accept who they are, and save your energy for someone who’s a better fit.
You have to be willing to have difficult conversations.
Whether you’re in it for a casual hookup or a serious relationship, respect and transparency should be baselines for dating. Be considerate and direct should you decide you don’t want to date anymore, aren’t interested, or don’t see it going anywhere. Even if you’re looking for some low-key, non-committal fun — communication is necessary.
When I was using the apps, I would be transparent with the guys I was dating. I was honest about what I was looking for, and I would never ghost if I didn’t feel a spark. I would thank them for our date and let them know I didn’t see it going anywhere and didn’t want to waste their time.
Ask yourself if you have the maturity to do this because if you can’t or are unwilling to be an adult in dating, you shouldn’t be doing it at all.
Choose Wisely
There are several reasons we may not choose well when dating.
We’re afraid we won’t find love or don’t know if it’s even possible.
Some of us have a hard time believing long-term relationships are even possible. Whether that’s due to our own negative experiences in love, heartbreak, or a result of what we’ve seen around us, we can get caught in a narrative of limitation, preventing ourselves from opening up to something new.
We don’t know what healthy love looks like or we romanticize it
If we grow up seeing unhealthy relationships, it’s hard to imagine something different. It’s challenging to create something new or shift our paradigm and understanding of love if we have no alternative to base it on.
No relationship will ever be perfect or not take “work.” To be in the company of another person is to compromise on some level constantly.
“Not settling” is not the same as “expecting perfection.” It’s just about getting as close to the compatibility mark as we can, where someone else’s baggage doesn’t feel daunting to take on.
We have conscious or unconscious beliefs and limitations about our worthiness, deservedness, and lovability
Many of us have limiting beliefs about ourselves stemming from childhood and beyond. We may not feel good enough or worthy of loving partners or stable relationships. As a result, we may unconsciously self-sabotage or attract partners who reinforce our internal belief system. Examining why we choose the way we do can help bring more mindfulness to our process.
We’re afraid of being alone
If we’re dating to stave off the sting of loneliness or to have a warm body in our bed, we’re not dating for the right reasons.
Becoming comfortable with singledom and building a fulfilling life without a partner helps us build resilience and independence. That way, when we meet someone we want to commit to, we’re showing up as a whole person rather than looking for someone to fill a void inside of us.
Know When to Walk Away
According to dating experts, one of the biggest mistakes people make early on is not paying attention to red flags and walking away.
Sometimes we push things aside because we don’t want to let go of the connection, or someone seems to check off so many of our boxes.
Sometimes people lie. Sometimes they tell you what you want to hear or show up in a way that they think will hook you or keep you interested.
These facades can’t usually endure very long. Pay attention to what people do versus what they say and know your worth. Know what you want and fiercely hold onto that. Know when someone is low-effort and have enough courage and self-respect to walk away when you know it’s not a match, even if it means risking being alone again.
Modern dating can be frustrating, and it can also be an incredible opportunity to decide how we want to show up for other people and ourselves.
What kinds of experiences do you want to have? What types of experiences do you want to give others?
Being intentional and careful with other people’s feelings and personhood shouldn’t be limited to “slow dating.” It’s something that should be applied to all areas of dating, regardless of whether we want something long-term or a fun, easy, summer fling.
Respect should be a given in the dating pool, even if we decide we don’t want to move slowly. If more of us approached dating this way, dating would feel much easier and more enjoyable than it does now.
